While we here at Xanadu Cinema Pleasure Dome realize that The Academy Awards are seriously flawed, we still love the annual Oscars show. Every year since 2009, Melissa has live-tweeted the show from the comfort of a friend’s living room, and gained a moment of glory when she tweeted so fast that Twitter decided she was a robot and shut down her account. Every year since, she has attempted to break Twitter during the Oscars.
This year, Melissa and Windy teamed up on the @XanaduCinema Twitter account for Oscars night. Yes, Twitter did break. New outlets claim that the Ellen DeGeneres selfie took Twitter to the FailWhale zone, but we here in the Pleasure Dome know the truth.
The Twitter feed lies below the cut for posterity. Melissa’s tweets are marked with an M, and Windy’s with a W. Tweets have been edited to remove useless things like hashtags. Enjoy!
M: This is Melissa, reporting for live-tweeing duties on #oscars night! *salute*
M: I haven’t found Windy yet, and we haven’t managed to turn on the TV yet. But there are SO MANY CATS HERE.
M: Ah, the TV has been turned on. The local news is talking about the vodka that is in the #oscars swag bags this year. In my self-made #oscars swag bag: a gyro, plastic eating utensils, a napkin.
RT @Petsnakereggie: It must be our annual Oscar party. @chebutykin has Tweetdeck open and she is live tweeting the last news report before the pre-show!
M: Oooh! The paper ballots have come out. Time to use an Ouija board to determine who will win the shorts categories.
M: Ahhh! The Red Carpet is starting! Where’s Windy? WHERE’S WINDY? #needacostumerSTAT
M: Filled out ballot. I’m woefully unprepared for all categories except Best Documentary. Bet on Act of Killing or The Square for Best Feature Documentary, by the way. [M] #Oscars
M: I’m facing 90 minutes of Red Carpet and the resident costuming nerd isn’t here. Feeling… adrift.
M: “I notice you are wearing fabric!” “I am indeed wearing fabric!” “Special fabric!”
M: Looking forward to an evening of white people fumbling names like Chiwetel Ejiofor.
M: My nominees for Most Fumbled Names at the #Oscars: Chiwetel Ejiofor, Barkhad Abdi, Lupita Nyong’o
M: OH from Windy: “Which one’s about the children and which one’s about the Holocaust?”
M: OH from Windy: “My vote for Best Visual Effect is Robert Downey Jr.”
M: Cate Blanchett is apparently dressed as Gozer.
W: Christopher Walken is starting to look like a drag queen.
M: Windy says, “IT’S JONAH” and then merrily mimes male masturbation. #WolfOfWallStreet
W: People who hate WOLF OF WALL STREET need to shut their mouth holes.
M: “Mom is waiting for you.” “She’s right there.” #DiCaprioAintLeaving
W: Proposal: a full 360 degree shot for everyone on the Red Carpet. Put those actors on a lazy susan. Like a dessert.
M: New game: instead of watching the Red Carpet interviews, watch the people in the background. Discuss.
M: … For instance, what was up with the woman texting behind Jamie Foxx’s daughter?
M: So much texting in the background at the Red Carpet! Oh, and Leto — haircut, please. With shampoo.
W: There’s dancing in AMERICAN HUSTLE ?! Then I Must. See. It.
M: Windy, about McConaghey’s date: “HER DRESS IS AMAZEBALLS.”
M: Woman just nearly got the train of her dress torn off. #RedCarpetBackground
M: Glom time on the Red Carpet!
M: Woman on crutches limping by. Wondering if Jennifer Lawrence tripped over her. #RedCarpetBackground
W: “How you doin’, girl?” You just SAID THAT?!? To a grown woman?! IN A BALLGOWN?!??!
M: Julia… are you storing something in there? What are you smuggling under your boobs?
W: Bill Murray: “You know who made me laugh? Harold Ramis! Who just DIED. Way to bring up a painful subject.”
M: I don’t for a minute believe those people know what Twitter is.
M: Man in sunglasses looks like a bodyguard. I suddenly want a movie about celebrity bodyguards foiling world domination plot. It would be like Zoolander with different in-jokes. But it would still have a David Bowie cameo. #RedCarpetBackground
M: The entire cast of both @xanaducinema and @GeeksWithoutGod are in this room. EPIC PODCAST SMACKDOWN. It will be like the Sharks vs. the Jets. Windy will do the choreography.
M: “Too close to call”?! This isn’t election night. How can anything be called when the ballots are closed?
W: I feel like Jeremy Renner is a more relaxed, friendly Russell Crowe.
M: I watched Demolition Man last night. Just saying. #SandraBullock
W: NOSE PICKING IN THE BACKGROUND. NOSE PICKI… oh, they’re on the phone.
M: Commercial: “EVERYBODY ON TWITTER AGREES…” WHAT? I’ve never seen anyone agree on Twitter.
W: I just want to make this clear: I would have sex with that congressman. #KevinSpacey
M: So… they inflated condoms in the shape of Oscar statues? So confused.
M: Can’t… stop… staring… at… the… giant… condompeople.
M: Oscars: now with a reservoir tip.
M: I’m hoping for the Minnesotan for Best Supporting Actor
W: What does it take for a man to win? BE A WOMAN! #JaredLeto
M: Okay, now I want Hathaway to tackle Leto and cut his hair.
M: I’m digging the blue suit, Jim.
M: Jim Carrey is going to be terrifying when he reaches dentures age.
W: Kerry Washington is WORKING that pregnancy waddle. Grrrrrl!
M: FRONT ROW BOOGIE.
M: Does he have a stocking cap on top of a fedora? Is… that a thing that happens?
W: I do not doubt that girl’s commitment to Sparkle Motion.
M: If I ever win an Oscar, I’m going to pull a thousand-foot scroll out of my brassiere.
M: Was she wearing The Glaive around her neck? #Krull
W: I wasn’t aware that I was fighting for this film.
W: We fought for this makeup? They didn’t want to put makeup on a drag queen?!
M: Is Harrison Ford high or drunk or both? Has he seen these films? I have so many questions.
M: Consider this: there had to be multiple people who approved the stage design of this year’s show.
M: SO MANY CHEEKBONES ON STAGE.
M: OH KIM NOVAK NOOOOOO.
RT @popmortem: Kim Novak is great. Her plastic surgeon is the true monster.
M: Hey! I totally randomly picked one of the shorts right!
M: Why is the Weinstein logo at the back of the stage?
M: I smell a whooooole lot of Gravity technical #Oscars coming our way.
M: Can we get a Bollywood director for the Oscars some year? I want more dancing and explosions.
M: Muppets plus… Midnight Cowboy soundtrack? Oh god. I don’t want to think about that.
RT @kleinmatic: Frozen is the top grossing film directed by a woman and will shortly be the top grossing animated film ever (worldwide unadjusted).
W: That’s 70’s-tastic!
W: If I’d known HELIUM had sick children in a hospital, I’d’ve voted for it! No fair! Title should be clearer!
W: I was seduced by the more depressing title of JUST BEFORE LOSING EVERYTHING.
W: Holocaust trumps war veteran. Picked wrong again.
M: I’m doing pretty well on my #Oscars ballot for the shorts on my “pick the one in the middle” strategy.
M: My Oscar pick was ACT OF KILLING – go Drafthouse Films!
M: NO FUCKING WAY. NO. NO FUCKING WAY.
M: “Welcome to Showboating Central.” – @petsnakereggie #Oscars
M: Documentary should have gone to The Square or The Act of Killing. Fuck you, #Oscars.
M: Dear Angela Lansbury: I love you. Please show us how to live forever.
RT @FilmCritHULK: SO HOLLYWOOD PICKED THE MOVIE ABOUT UNDER-APPRECIATED HOLLYWOOD PEOPLE OVER THE DOC THAT GOT A COUNTRY TO FACE GENOCIDE? SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.
M: Dear #Oscars: can we have Neil Patrick Harris for host next year? Think about it. You know it to be your destiny.
M: I’m sad that it’s so difficult to see the foreign film nominations pre-#Oscars in this country.
W: Is Ewan filming a 70s movie? He looks like an addict or a pimp. But not in a good WOLF OF WALL STREET way.
W: Tyler Perry’s stylist gets a big thumbs up.
M: “Really? Really? U2 only brought one drum?” – @petsnakereggie
M: Does Bono believe he’s Jesus yet?
M: Currently in a death-struggle with a cat for control of this computer. Cat has U2 opinions.
M: Did Cumberbatch just photobomb Ellen? FUCK YES.
W: I applaud Kristen Bell for standing up for lipstick makers and actually wearing COLOR on her lips. Also, wowza.
M: BRB. Hypnotized by Hemsworth.
W: That is a whole lot of brilliant evolutionary choices on that stage – #hhhhhhemsworth & Theron
M: Dear Mr. Waltz: teach me joy.
M: WE BROKE TWITTER AGAIN. YEEEAAAAAAAH!
W: Christoph Waltz always looks like he’s having the time of his life. When does he dance w Jennifer Gray?
M: “Give the pizzas to the pregnant lady!” – @Footnotegirl
M: Sydney Poitier is not amused with Ellen’s pizza. [M] #Oscars
W: Next year – Oscars Pajama Party!!
M: Yeah, it had to be Gravity. But DEAKIIIIIIINS. Give that man an Oscar someday, people.
W: Wow. GRAVITY is *really* not winning Best Picture this year.
M: Just looked up what a black ribbon meant. I prefer to believe the Discworld definition.
W: Whoopi’s pearls are recreating VALLEY OF THE DOLLS! [W] #Oscars
M: Why does Whoopi have no eyebrows? Did Whoopi always not have eyebrows? Why have I never noticed this before?
M: Guys, this eyebrow thing is going to bother me for a long time. My lack of observation skills is… disturbing.
W: I love you, Pink, but “over” is one word.
M: GODZILLA COMMERCIAL BRAIN EXPLODED.
W: Melissa’s world has been forever joy-filled by that Godzilla commercial. #clappinghandslikealittlegirl
RT @petsnakereggie: I think the Godzilla commercial just gave @chebutykin a stroke. But in a good way.
W: I just want Jennifer Garner to just stand there and jiggle. I’m torn between Cumberbatch close-up and full-length Garner.
M: DOES SHE HAVE MORE NOTES IN HER BRA?
W: Chris Evans gets the coveted “talented” moniker.
M: The room is counting the women in the action montage.
W: Eight women! Bravo, Hollywood! #sarcasm
W: Can’t have more women in a montage til we have more women in major roles in films. Duh.
M: Roger Ebert in the death montage. Verklempt.
W: We just had the WONDERFUL “Somewhere in Time ” theme and you follow it up w this pablum??! #disappointingmissm
W: Maybe she could hit the high notes if her face could move. Ouch. I said that out loud. #BetteMidler
M: Concept: Flappy Bette game. Discuss.
M: THANKS FOR STEALING MY TWITTER-BREAKING THUNDER, ELLEN.
M: I have a dark urge to produce a documentary called Oscars: A Lesson in Body Dysmorphia.
W: Had a moment of panic that we weren’t getting Idina – WTH was that name that Travolta said?
M: Frozen takes best song, because if it didn’t, there would have been riots.
M: I kinda love the Happy Oscars song.
W: Unashamedly teary at sweet dedication to their daughters. #mylittlegirlis5 #lovesfrozen #greatrolemodels
W: I seriously screamed WHAT THE FUCK?! WE WERE PROMISED IDINA!! #jerktravoltascaredme
M: Okay, I just saw a friend of mine in a commercial. Hello, Ari! We love you! We waved at you!
W: Love Penelope’s dress. Sexy “wrapped in a sheet ” vibe , but still classy.
M: Okay, we may be seeing the transition from Gravity awards to 12 Years a Slave awards.
M: SPIKE JONZE! YAAAAAH!
M: WHOA NOW. Gravity just became a contender for the bigger awards.
W: Oh, Sidney. I just want to hug you and help you to your seat.
M: I love you, Cuaron. Make more stuff like Children of Men.
W: Guillermo shout out!
M: Cuaron: the only person who made a Harry Potter franchise gig look like an actual movie.
M: Cate Blanchett is going to walk up there and announce she’s Gozer the Destructor, right?
W: Thank you Cate for the reality slap to Hollywood’s face.
W: Jennifer, you are always entertaining. In a slightly scary way.
M: I choose to believe Matthew McConaughey won for Wolf of Wall Street.
W: I think he was trying to say “I chase my better self” but it just came out…awkward.
M: Did Cumberbatch just attempt to photobomb the Best Picture acceptance speech? Oh, wait, he’s in the movie… Still, waiting for photobomb.
M: Wow, the #Oscars ended at 11 PM CST on the dot. Impressive.
M: Windy 13, Melissa 17.
M: Thank you everyone for joining us! We shall return you to non-Oscar land for another year.